SO NOW WHAT? Part 2

The adoption is only part of the transformation that began the summer of 2011… That same summer of 2011, Neil had gone with our pastor to the Southern Baptist Convention in Phoenix, AZ. It was the first time the convention focused on SEND>>North America.  Neil came back different; God began a movement in him. 

A couple of months after the convention Neil took me to Tucson to meet a planter our church is supporting.  It doubled as our anniversary trip.  The next thing was the adoption talk.  That same summer I had felt the call to adopt but told God I didn’t want it to be me, I didn’t want to manipulate the situation or talk Neil into it.  So I would wait until Neil brought it up and I was at peace to wait years and years if that is what it took. That fall Neil looked at me and said – so I think we should have another kid, but not have one…adopt.  Neil’s heart wasn’t just being softened to God but he was hearing God’s voice and being obedient.  Neil continued to hear God and the story became more complicated quickly.  Neil and I became impassioned to meet and support church planters.  The next April (2012) Neil traveled again with our Pastor on a vision trip to Portland, Oregon.  He fell in love with Portland and the planters there. I knew at some point Neil was going to say I feel God calling us to work with planters, to move, to plant.  I didn’t know what or when but God was softening my heart too and preparing me for that conversation. 

After Portland it was clear, we were being called away from home.  Where and how and what weren’t clear but Neil wanted me to travel to Portland.  Neil was almost sure Portland was going to be our new home.  Meanwhile the Jacksonville Baptist Association, which my church is an active member of, began talking with SEND>>North America: Toronto.  Yep, Toronto, Canada.  In November some leaders from Toronto were flown in and we were able to listen to them talk. As I look back, that was a privilege that was not awarded to many. It was a closed group and Neil and I had no business to be at that round table discussion but God wanted us there.  I was immediately drawn to the Toronto folks.  I wanted to know more, I wanted to be in their presence and I was jealous that Neil was scheduled to go to Toronto on yet another vision trip in January of 2013.  At the same time, Neil hot for Portland, got us signed up for a mission trip the end of Feb, beginning of March 2013.  That satisfied my desire to go for a little while. 

The holidays came and went and Jan 2013 showed up without fail.  Neil came back from Toronto with a sense that Toronto was cool but was sure Portland was where we were to go…honestly, I was slightly bummed, Toronto had sparked something in me but I was up for anywhere God was to lead.  Our Portland trip finally came.  I was so excited I knew God was going to have a neon light pointing to where we would live and what our ministry would be. However, I was left empty.  Don’t get me wrong.  I loved Portland, the people are so odd you just must love them.  We connected with a couple of the planters pretty well, but something was a miss.  I felt God saying that if you move to Portland it would be a self-indulgent move and He would not bless it.  That hit me hard, and I was so sad.

Now what?  We knew we had heard God say, I’m sending YOU….how long would we wait?  We came home, and waited…but not long.  Toronto was still tugging at me.  I told Neil I wish I could go to Toronto just to see what might be there for us, even though Neil didn’t think Toronto was the place.  Not too long later our pastor threw out on Facebook a vision trip to Toronto for September 2013.  I wanted to go SO badly but was afraid Neil wouldn’t be supportive…how I was wrong.  At the same time I was getting nerve to ask if I could go, Neil said, I think you should go on that vision trip to Toronto. 

I went, and it was amazing.  I didn’t meet a planter couple that I couldn’t have a great conversation with.  The need for workers is so great it hurts my head. Being there I felt excited and energized even when completely exhausted from the day.  There is so much to do, finding a place to do ministry won’t be an issue. One of the NAMB guys asked me, “What would it take to get you here (to Toronto)?”   I said honestly, I need my family to be taken care of, we have two small boys, I need to know we can support them but other than that, we’re here. 

I came home and I will be honest, the enemy began attacking.  Neil got sick and I began feeling useless and unworthy.  I began to own “not good enough” as my identity. How could I be used for the kingdom?  Fortunately, before I left Toronto I had set up a meeting for Neil and me to meet with one of the NAMB missionaries.  He would be in town for a JBA celebration just a couple of weeks after we got home from the Toronto trip, coincidence I think not. The attacks were heavy for those couple of weeks.  I wasn’t sleeping and forcing myself to eat one meal a day so that people would see me eat and not ask questions.  I was hurting emotionally, Neil was too but also had a crazy sinus infection that caused him to have vertigo.  All this drew Neil and I closer together, we had to not just seek God’s face individually but also together.  As a precaution I had to drive Neil to work and pick him up, more time that we were drawn together.  All the while the enemy was attempting to tear us apart but God was strengthening and pulling us together.

The two weeks were more than hard and the Monday night meeting finally came.  This was it, Neil and I would decide yes or no.  Neil was hit again with another episode of vertigo and general illness.  We knew no doubt that was the enemy, we pressed on with the meeting.  The meeting was not as intense as I thought it would be but it certainly gave us some things to think about. Providing for our family was the big deal.  Neil and I wanted a plan; we wanted to see everything laid before us.  I know now we were expecting too much from God.  Who are we to demand the whole plan at once?  One thing that came up in our meeting was that we needed to begin thinking like missionaries.  WHAT?!?  Me a missionary? Don’t you have to go to school or some kind of training to be a missionary?  We just want to go support planters and tell people about Jesus, that’s not missionary work, right?  We are just normal folks.  Missionaries are super Christians with mountains of faith, right? Faith. We needed the faith to trust that God would provide for our every need, to trust He was calling us out. 

When Neil and I got married we had so little, neither of us full time jobs but we were young and with no kids I knew we would be fine scrimping by for however long we needed.  God was so good to us in that first year of marriage.  Before I knew it we both had full time career style jobs with benefits.  We were able to get Internet and satellite, all those perks, perks we were now used to, our kids are used to.  We have lived so cushy and privileged. I had forgotten how God had provided so much so quickly. 

The night of the Monday meeting, Neil and I came home exhausted.  We knew we were answering the call to be….missionaries (with the understanding that a missionary is a child of God who is being obedient to carry out the mission that God has called him or her to, NOT a super Christian).  We needed faith.  We came together that night and prayed, prayed for a lot of things but most specifically for faith. The next morning I looked at my scheduled Bible reading. Hebrews 11.  For those of you who may not remember off the top of your head, Hebrews 11 is titled, at least in my Bible, as The Triumphs of Faith.  It defines faith and then gives examples of the great faith that the people of God have had starting with Abel’s offering, then on to Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Moses and so on and so on finally coming to a point of saying it’s too much to list all those who had faith in God, and in a promise they never got to see.  Ouch!  How much more should I have faith since I have received the promise that is Jesus? I text Neil, because that’s what you do when you’re in separate rooms but have something urgent to say these days. We had an answer, I had my neon sign saying YES, you have heard Me right, Toronto, proceed, I will provide, you can trust Me.

After some prayers that went like this, “Forgive me God for not trusting you without an itinerary, who am I to doubt your goodness?”  We said, okay God we’re in for the ride, give us your plan at Your timing. Neil then spoke to his boss about a possible transfer within the firm.  He thought it would be a long shot? I mean who wants to send his top performer on his team away?  But he was supportive and said he would do whatever he could to help Neil with a position in Toronto.  We don’t know if that is how God is going to get us up to Toronto yet.  We are still waiting on some details there but no one has reacted like we thought.  We have been met with supportive people ready to help us follow God where He is leading.  We don’t know if Neil’s company is how we will get to Toronto but we do know that God will get us there because He is sending us. We are holding to the promise that God is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.  He has proven Himself over and over to be more than faithful and He will not send us where He won’t also go before us.